WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.220 But I think that the biggest thing, if you can just recognize that like, okay, it is a lie, 00:00:05.960 --> 00:00:11.540 even though it's really hard to just come out of it, that's a first stepping stone. 00:00:12.020 --> 00:00:17.360 Welcome to the Church Digital Podcast. Through this podcast, we'll talk about the technological 00:00:17.360 --> 00:00:22.740 innovations within the church, but more than tech for tech itself, we'll address deeper questions. 00:00:23.360 --> 00:00:27.440 Is disciple making possible digitally? How should we approach the digital mission field? 00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:32.160 Can a biblically grounded church operate in digital space? Oh, and where does the metaverse and 00:00:32.160 --> 00:00:38.260 artificial intelligence fit into all of this? Whether you're a big or small church, the Church 00:00:38.260 --> 00:00:44.200 Digital's goal is to help churches like yours learn to be a multiplying church, digitally and physically. 00:00:44.700 --> 00:00:52.300 And now here's your host, Jeff Reed. All right. Hey, we are broadcasting live on Twitch. So now 00:00:52.300 --> 00:00:56.840 you're going to see me do a stall here for a minute or two while waiting for some people to come in. 00:00:57.440 --> 00:01:02.900 Welcome to the Church Digital Podcast. We've got episode... Well, dang, I probably should have 00:01:02.900 --> 00:01:08.420 looked this up in advance. Is it 308? It's 308. You know, it's interesting. The guest is telling 00:01:08.420 --> 00:01:14.660 me what episode we're doing here on the podcast. And well, he knows better than everybody else. We've 00:01:14.660 --> 00:01:21.960 got Andy Mage, who has probably edited and produced... What, Andy? Maybe 50 of these? 00:01:21.960 --> 00:01:30.040 Oh, since 271 is the last number I saw. So what is that? 40-ish? Almost 50, yeah? 00:01:30.940 --> 00:01:35.240 Almost 50. Almost 50 episodes. Almost a year of the Church Digital Podcast. 00:01:35.460 --> 00:01:43.220 God bless you, my friend, man. You know, today we're talking about inner critic and I hate the sound of 00:01:43.220 --> 00:01:51.500 my voice. And so, man, I pity anybody who hears my voice on a regular basis. And Andy has done a great 00:01:51.500 --> 00:01:58.040 job over the years producing. And Megan Carter is jumping on the show as well. We're doing a season 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:06.100 here on the Church Digital Podcast focusing on digital and mental health. You know, what are the 00:02:06.100 --> 00:02:11.600 mental health implications of digital ministry? How do we prepare ourselves digitally for dealing with 00:02:11.600 --> 00:02:17.120 people in mental health situations? How do we protect ourselves from being overwhelmed by some of these 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:26.920 things? And so, you know, anytime I talk mental health, Megan's my go-to. And so, she's the guru. 00:02:27.100 --> 00:02:32.900 Like, she doesn't... Her inner critic is giving her a fit right now. Saying, don't say that, Jeff. 00:02:32.900 --> 00:02:41.920 Honest to God, somebody who really understands digital ministry as well as, you know, expanding 00:02:41.920 --> 00:02:50.320 into the mental health situation in that. Man, Megan's the go-to. Megan! Forget the guest, 00:02:50.420 --> 00:02:56.820 Andy Mage. We'll get to him in a little bit. You know, tell us a little bit about, like, your 00:02:56.820 --> 00:03:02.700 background, your story, and how you ended up going down this mental health road. 00:03:03.340 --> 00:03:06.780 Yeah. Let's see. I was born on a Thursday. No, I'm just kidding. 00:03:07.760 --> 00:03:09.040 It was dark and cold. 00:03:09.940 --> 00:03:10.680 How far back? 00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:13.620 It's going to be a long show, Andy. You may have to cut up the box. 00:03:14.120 --> 00:03:16.500 Sorry. I'm putting editing notes over here. 00:03:17.340 --> 00:03:25.780 No, I... A big part with mental health and my story goes back to my childhood, but growing 00:03:25.780 --> 00:03:33.500 up, I dealt with anxiety. I, later on in, like, high school, I would say, dealt with depression 00:03:33.500 --> 00:03:40.780 feelings and going through that. And so, that was not talked about, one, in our society, our 00:03:40.780 --> 00:03:46.860 culture. It was not talked about, especially in the church. And so, that's a big driving point 00:03:46.860 --> 00:03:53.480 that why I've done what I've done. I've learned all that I can learn right now. And I'm continuing 00:03:53.480 --> 00:04:02.780 to grow in that so that I can help other people that feel like me. Maybe felt like you can't be a 00:04:02.780 --> 00:04:08.740 good Christian, quote unquote, if you deal with mental health issues. And I think today, the inner 00:04:08.740 --> 00:04:12.880 critic is one that we're going to talk about. And it's something that I don't know a person who 00:04:12.880 --> 00:04:20.340 doesn't deal with this on some level. And it can take you to a really dark place. And we want to 00:04:20.340 --> 00:04:26.780 work our ways out of that. And so, having people that you can be beside... I know for me, having 00:04:26.780 --> 00:04:33.180 family around, having friends, having a counselor, that's walked me through and helped me with this. 00:04:33.260 --> 00:04:39.880 So, yes, I still struggle with the inner critic and dealing with that, but it's a lot better. You have a 00:04:39.880 --> 00:04:46.500 lot better days than you have bad days. And so, that's been like a driving force of learning as 00:04:46.500 --> 00:04:51.900 much as I can so that I can figure out how our mind works, so that I can help other people. And so, 00:04:51.960 --> 00:04:57.300 now getting to sit across from people and counsel them and walk through some of these thoughts, 00:04:57.300 --> 00:05:03.020 some of these thought processes has been such a blessing to be able to be like, yeah, I know I 00:05:03.020 --> 00:05:07.820 was there. I have been there. I still am there sometimes. And be able to sit that and just relate 00:05:07.820 --> 00:05:11.880 to people on that level. And I think that's an awesome thing with digital as well. We get to do 00:05:11.880 --> 00:05:18.380 that and be just real with people. Yeah. You know, it's one of the things I love about working with 00:05:18.380 --> 00:05:24.040 Megan is she understands the digital ministry context. And she's with First Capital Christian, 00:05:24.040 --> 00:05:29.160 Tyler Sansom's church. We spend a lot of time talking about the First Capital and Church Anywhere, 00:05:29.660 --> 00:05:33.360 the original Church Anywhere. There have been other Church Anywhere that have popped up. 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:43.200 Thank you, COVID. But the original Church Anywhere. But super love what's happened there in the 00:05:43.200 --> 00:05:46.760 culture. It feels like we'd spend a lot of time talking. I think last week we talked about the 00:05:46.760 --> 00:05:52.420 culture at that church. And so, love it, love it, love it. And so, here with the digital mental 00:05:52.420 --> 00:05:58.220 health season, we did an overview with DJ Chong, I think week one, and he's doing a lot of speaking 00:05:58.220 --> 00:06:08.220 on mental health. Week two, we did John Pyle, the John Pyle. My gosh, I could just spend days just 00:06:08.220 --> 00:06:18.440 listening to that man talk. You know, just like sit back, relax. John, just open up a book. I don't know, 00:06:18.440 --> 00:06:24.200 it doesn't matter what it could be. Read me the preamble to the Constitution and let me just soak 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:33.860 in everything that would come in. I just love listening to him. And he's so genuine and so wise, 00:06:34.200 --> 00:06:38.400 honestly. I don't know why you're all listening to my podcast. He's got this podcast called Better 00:06:38.400 --> 00:06:47.680 on the Inside. And to be honest, it is my go-to podcast right now. And he's in between seasons, 00:06:47.760 --> 00:06:54.560 I think. But if I'm listening to anybody right now, it's John Pyle's Better on the Inside. So, 00:06:54.560 --> 00:07:04.140 I am blessed if you go listen to his podcast and go tell John I said hello. Because he is very wise 00:07:04.140 --> 00:07:13.260 in this healthy you. I mean, he also understands digital and doesn't necessarily lean. He talks 00:07:13.260 --> 00:07:21.140 about digital culture, not as much digital ministry anymore, but just being healthy in this world we 00:07:21.140 --> 00:07:28.880 call 2024. Man, it's just crazy. And so, it's a great place to be. And now we've got week three, 00:07:28.880 --> 00:07:37.640 Andy Mage coming on. And Andy, operations director of the Church Digital, director of community for the 00:07:37.640 --> 00:07:47.960 Church Digital. But Andy's operations with the Church Digital and works with Lux, creative director 00:07:47.960 --> 00:07:54.500 for Lux. Am I getting that right? Yep. Creative pastor. Creative pastor. Hey, so tell us a little 00:07:54.500 --> 00:07:58.980 bit. Some people may not know the full side of Andy Mage. Give us a little background. 00:07:59.420 --> 00:08:05.420 Yeah. Like Jeff said, I am the operations guy, the community guy for the Church Digital. Also, 00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:11.700 the creative pastor for Lux. I've been a worship pastor for 10 years. I was a digital pastor for 00:08:11.700 --> 00:08:17.720 five years in brick and mortar churches and got a crazy call from God to step out and do this whole 00:08:17.720 --> 00:08:25.340 digital church thing. And started doing that in 2019 after having been in the worship and tech side for 00:08:25.340 --> 00:08:31.520 10 years. And then a little thing called the COVID, the coronavirus 19. COVID-19 happened and 00:08:31.520 --> 00:08:37.180 the entire world kind of turned into digital for a little bit. And so, we were well-placed at the 00:08:37.180 --> 00:08:42.600 church I was at. Fell in love with all that. Met Jeff actually before COVID, a couple months prior to 00:08:42.600 --> 00:08:49.040 COVID. He and I started in a Bible study, which was kind of fun together. And then kind of have just 00:08:49.040 --> 00:08:54.440 been riding the digital wave ever since. I feel really, really called to digital ministry and kind 00:08:54.440 --> 00:09:03.260 of what God is doing throughout the internet, literally to the ends of the world. And feel 00:09:03.260 --> 00:09:07.780 super called to be doing what we're doing here today, talking to a bunch of people about mental 00:09:07.780 --> 00:09:13.160 health. Yes. But also about kind of how we can live into these things. And part of what we do with, 00:09:13.160 --> 00:09:18.440 with Lux is we're, uh, Lux is a completely online church. Uh, we started, it was a church that was 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:23.000 ostensibly started for gamers, but has turned into something completely different and it's awesome and 00:09:23.000 --> 00:09:27.720 wonderful. And we get the chance to do the same thing, reach the ends of the earth and spread the 00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:33.060 gospel. So just excited to be able to do that today. Yeah. Very cool. If you've not checked out Lux, 00:09:33.060 --> 00:09:38.640 uh, uh, uh, gaming Lux digital church, not Lux gaming church, let's digital church. Uh, certainly 00:09:38.640 --> 00:09:43.580 check that out. Lux digital church.com. Um, you know, we talk about Mark a lot on the show and he's 00:09:43.580 --> 00:09:49.820 been on as well. Good, good friend towards that. Hey, all right. So Megan, let me get you to set the 00:09:49.820 --> 00:09:56.600 stage. Cause we're talking about inner critic. Uh, so maybe just even start off and, and, and help us 00:09:56.600 --> 00:10:00.660 by defining what exactly an inner critic, what we're talking about when we say that. 00:10:03.060 --> 00:10:14.640 Well, Megan Carter, make him a life difficult. You got kicked out, but when you came back on, 00:10:14.700 --> 00:10:17.000 I thought, I thought you were good. Let me see. 00:10:22.760 --> 00:10:26.800 Do you have in the upper right hand corner? You are, you are not being recorded. Megan Carter, 00:10:26.800 --> 00:10:32.020 jump out and come back in. No, she's right. You are not. Ooh, that would have been bad. 00:10:33.060 --> 00:10:37.380 That would have been bad. Hey everybody on Twitch. We're going to soft shoe for just a minute. 00:10:41.240 --> 00:10:45.700 This is the fun part of my favorite part of this show right now is the, everything is fine 00:10:45.700 --> 00:10:51.280 in the backdrop of your, of right. Like right now, nobody can see that, uh, on the riverside thing. 00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:57.560 So let me see if I can, uh, yeah, I don't think it would anytime Megan. Yeah. So behind me, 00:10:57.560 --> 00:11:00.660 I have this like pixel thing and it's just the, it's the, everything is fine. I mean, 00:11:01.380 --> 00:11:07.780 Megan, Megan's complicating things. All right, but now we're recording. Everything is fine. It's good. 00:11:08.160 --> 00:11:12.280 Megan, thank you for notifying and let me know. I saw it, but I thought it was, was old information. 00:11:13.260 --> 00:11:18.840 Um, do I need to set the question again? I think I did a good job. You can, uh, uh, 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:22.200 how's this fitting? Flat cap, flat cap. Thank you. Very flat cap. 00:11:22.680 --> 00:11:30.100 Uh, Raiden with a party at 19. Come on in here. Yeah. Very cool. Love that. So talk to us, 00:11:30.140 --> 00:11:35.560 Megan. What, what, when we say inner critic, what do we mean? Yeah. Um, inner critic, inner critic is 00:11:35.560 --> 00:11:44.280 that voice that's in your head, um, that usually is telling you lies. Um, but we like to believe it as 00:11:44.280 --> 00:11:49.620 truth. And I have a really good friend that she said this once and it has stuck with me ever since 00:11:49.620 --> 00:11:56.760 our inner critic is actually, it should probably be called our inner bully. Um, when she, when she said 00:11:56.760 --> 00:12:03.460 that, I was like, yes, that is exactly what I should call it from now on. Because when we say like 00:12:03.460 --> 00:12:09.980 something, someone's being like a critic, they evaluate, um, something that's happening. Right. 00:12:10.060 --> 00:12:15.220 But typically those thoughts in our mind, aren't just being like healthy evaluations. 00:12:16.180 --> 00:12:22.740 They, um, become very negative if we let it go down that path. And I think from the very beginning there, 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:28.660 it's really our inner bully or inner critic is trying to tell us like to protect us, like, 00:12:28.740 --> 00:12:33.820 don't do this because you'll get hurt. Don't do this because this person's going to think this about 00:12:33.820 --> 00:12:40.840 you. We have those thoughts, which, yeah, that could be helpful if we realize, okay, this last part, 00:12:40.840 --> 00:12:47.660 the, the, because you're going to do have, this isn't always what's going to happen. And so that's 00:12:47.660 --> 00:12:54.360 where we have to realize what's true. And then what's the lie that we liked, we fall into that lie 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:59.300 a lot and believe those things. And if we keep telling ourselves and keep thinking those things, 00:12:59.300 --> 00:13:05.180 we believe it as like an actual truth. And that's when it becomes a big issue. And I think it's 00:13:05.180 --> 00:13:09.680 something that, especially in this day and age, and I think Andy, you can speak a lot onto this 00:13:09.680 --> 00:13:17.560 of in the digital world, that that's something we deal with so much because we deal with comparison 00:13:17.560 --> 00:13:23.920 of other people. We see their best pieces of their life and compare it to our worst. And this is when 00:13:23.920 --> 00:13:29.940 that inner critic, I think is the loudest. And so I would love to hear from you, just maybe an example 00:13:29.940 --> 00:13:34.140 or, or something in your own life that you've experienced that because it is something that 00:13:34.140 --> 00:13:35.980 we all deal with on some level. 00:13:37.300 --> 00:13:43.140 Yeah. I, uh, you're spot on there, Megan, uh, where I think it increases day by day by day, 00:13:43.140 --> 00:13:47.620 uh, in our world right now. And I think, you know, we can talk about the evils and dangers of social 00:13:47.620 --> 00:13:53.180 media and all that, but that has a, a lasting impact. Um, part of the people that we minister to, 00:13:53.180 --> 00:13:57.380 and we get a chance to talk to in Lux particularly, and this is one of the reasons that I stepped 00:13:57.380 --> 00:14:02.660 out of brick and mortar physical ministry, uh, kind of hybrid ministry and into straight digital 00:14:02.660 --> 00:14:09.780 ministry was because that comparison game is crippling. Uh, and you know, I see it all the 00:14:09.780 --> 00:14:13.060 time with other people, but for me personally, and this is going to sound a little weird, but, 00:14:13.620 --> 00:14:20.580 um, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a gamer. I'm also like a nerd, a hardcore nerd, but I also have this like 00:14:20.580 --> 00:14:27.940 really fitnessy side. Um, like I'm a runner, I'm a marathoner. Um, I used to own a CrossFit gym, 00:14:27.940 --> 00:14:36.340 like all sorts of stuff there. Uh, and I'm also like really into tech and I can tell when my inner 00:14:36.340 --> 00:14:42.500 critic is really hammering me. Um, I'm very good at compartmentalizing. And when I compartmentalize 00:14:42.500 --> 00:14:49.060 things, I start to evaluate my fitness plans and I start to, uh, look at tech and those, 00:14:49.060 --> 00:14:54.660 like I can tell in my own journeys, there's like a pathway I can follow where I see, 00:14:56.180 --> 00:15:01.140 oh, I was, I stopped doing the running thing I was doing. Cause I wanted to do this other thing, 00:15:01.140 --> 00:15:06.820 because I thought I could get perfection here, uh, because my inner critic was beating me up about 00:15:06.820 --> 00:15:13.380 something and I can go through my journals and I can go through all of my, um, my quiet time stuff 00:15:13.380 --> 00:15:16.980 going back in history. I always keep that stuff so I can look at it and kind of see my own patterns. 00:15:17.620 --> 00:15:24.020 Again, nerd data driven, heavily, heavily idiot nerd tech person. And the same thing too, when a new 00:15:24.020 --> 00:15:28.100 piece of tech shows up, that usually means my inner critic was hammering me and my wife knows it. 00:15:28.100 --> 00:15:33.060 Like she's really good at, uh, yeah, I know the camera looks blurry. It's a part of Riverside. 00:15:33.060 --> 00:15:37.860 It's not, it's everything's recording on the other side. Sorry, flat cap just posted in chat. Hey, 00:15:37.860 --> 00:15:42.820 your camera looks blurry. Everything's recording at 10, 80, 60, but the way we're broadcasting, 00:15:42.820 --> 00:15:49.140 the way we're multi-streaming. So thanks for that flat cap. Um, anyway, Megan, all that to say, it's, 00:15:49.140 --> 00:15:55.300 it's one of those things that shows up in my outflows in really weird and kind of nonsensical ways. 00:15:55.300 --> 00:16:04.100 I think that the, the weird part, like we all have these different moments and I know for me, 00:16:04.100 --> 00:16:08.420 one of the, the things that may seem weird to a lot of people, but it's like, you're going through 00:16:08.420 --> 00:16:12.660 the drive-through and they hand you your coffee or your drink and they're like, enjoy your drink. 00:16:12.660 --> 00:16:16.500 And you're like, yeah, you too. And I'm like, I can never go back here because that's, 00:16:17.540 --> 00:16:24.180 that's where my mind goes. I'm like, nope, I can never show my face because they're going to 00:16:24.180 --> 00:16:29.940 remember that I said something really stupid as I was driving off. Now, is that true? No, 00:16:30.740 --> 00:16:35.620 but that's, it's kind of a funny way of looking like that's how our inner critic works. And sometimes 00:16:35.620 --> 00:16:41.220 it's a much deeper level than that. Like, obviously that one I can usually let go, but 00:16:41.780 --> 00:16:46.740 it's a deeper level. Um, so it's, it's one of those things that it can be really strange 00:16:46.740 --> 00:16:54.740 and weird, um, and unexpected whenever they happen. And so do you remember, or maybe just like a, 00:16:54.740 --> 00:16:59.780 a moment that you've talked to somebody else where that an inner critic popped up like unexpectedly? 00:17:01.060 --> 00:17:08.580 Goodness gracious. Yes. Um, being a worship pastor, uh, I would have to interface and interact with a 00:17:08.580 --> 00:17:16.180 lot of people all the time. And I remember distinctively, um, so my wife, um, and this is 00:17:16.180 --> 00:17:20.100 going to be a weird story. So just hang on with me here. So I was working in New Jersey at a church, 00:17:20.100 --> 00:17:26.820 uh, and I ended up getting approached. I don't ever remember applying for the job, but, uh, 00:17:26.820 --> 00:17:31.220 I got approached by a church in the Atlanta area, uh, to come be the worship pastor there. And so I, 00:17:32.260 --> 00:17:35.300 I essentially was like, okay, whatever, prayed through it, went down and interviewed, 00:17:35.300 --> 00:17:39.300 did the whole thing that they gave me, they offered me the job. I accepted the job and moved down. 00:17:40.100 --> 00:17:44.820 One of the guys that was on the hiring committee was this guy named Pell. Uh, Pell was like a 60 00:17:44.820 --> 00:17:52.180 ish year old dude born in Savannah, Georgia, just Mr. Genteel Southern, just nicest dude ever. Um, 00:17:52.980 --> 00:18:00.340 and I, and then his wife, Diane, who she was mid sixties as well. Um, and 00:18:01.220 --> 00:18:07.780 so I met them, hung out with them for a little bit. And after I got off stage, I saw this like 00:18:07.780 --> 00:18:13.220 beautiful woman walk by just like drop dead, gorgeous woman. And I was like walking up the 00:18:13.220 --> 00:18:16.900 stairs, this tech booth. And I did one of those, like where my body kept going, but my head turned, 00:18:16.900 --> 00:18:20.180 like, I don't know if you know what I mean. Like your body keeps going, but your head turns and 00:18:20.180 --> 00:18:24.820 you just keep like walking. And so I was like calling following her with my eyes. And it was like, 00:18:24.820 --> 00:18:30.180 man, I need to see who that is. But she left. Uh, and so I walked up to the tech booth, whatever. 00:18:31.380 --> 00:18:35.780 A couple of days later, Pell comes walking into my office with his wife, Diane, and says, 00:18:35.780 --> 00:18:39.540 Hey, Pell, or Hey Andy, I want you to meet my daughter. And I was like, oh, wow, Pell, 00:18:39.540 --> 00:18:46.340 you have a daughter. And the woman that pokes her head around the door is that beautiful woman that 00:18:46.340 --> 00:18:52.820 I had seen. And, and the first thing, the first thing I said was you. 00:18:56.900 --> 00:19:03.780 Now, she didn't know what I meant. I knew what I meant. Nobody else knew what I meant. Pell and 00:19:03.780 --> 00:19:07.620 Diane did not know what I meant. The look on their faces is like this idiot. We had just hired this 00:19:07.620 --> 00:19:13.620 idiot. Uh, this guy's the one that's leading us on stage. Uh, and so long story short, that woman's 00:19:13.620 --> 00:19:22.020 now my wife, 10, almost 11 years later. Uh, yeah. And so my wife, uh, Pell and Diane hold to the fact 00:19:22.020 --> 00:19:27.940 that God told them to hire me so that I would marry their daughter, Jenna. Uh, but, but yeah, 00:19:27.940 --> 00:19:32.740 just me going you, like it was her fault. Like I was the monkey pointing from family guy or something. 00:19:33.060 --> 00:19:36.100 That's what that. And then, and so I went home that night and I was just like, you, 00:19:36.740 --> 00:19:41.700 you're a frigging idiot. Like, what are you doing? She was gorgeous. It's like, you had never spoken 00:19:41.700 --> 00:19:46.580 to a woman in your life and you're just going to. And so I, I ended up running a bunch of extra miles 00:19:46.580 --> 00:19:53.220 that night. Cause I was just ticked at myself. Okay. So let me ask, uh, at what point did you 00:19:53.220 --> 00:19:59.300 tell, uh, your wife that story? How long did, did it take? Oh no, she was there. Uh, she, so she was 00:19:59.300 --> 00:20:04.900 coming down the hall. She knew that you, you were, you were, you were staring. She felt it. Yeah. Uh, 00:20:04.900 --> 00:20:11.060 she, and cause she had, so the way she tells it is that I, she saw me walking up the stairs and she was 00:20:11.060 --> 00:20:15.220 doing kind of the same thing. Now she had her children with her. She had been married. She's got kids 00:20:15.220 --> 00:20:19.780 previous to me. And so she had two children, you know, hand in hand and one walking behind her. 00:20:19.780 --> 00:20:24.020 And so she was, she said she was doing the same thing with her eyes and then, but she had to like 00:20:24.020 --> 00:20:29.380 turn her head. And so then I did the whole thing. And so later, the couple of days later she came, 00:20:30.180 --> 00:20:34.100 I guess, I don't know what happened. Like I, I could have been a divinely inspired thing. 00:20:34.100 --> 00:20:40.180 Who knows? But yeah, like that was, that's how we met. And like, till this day we tell that story 00:20:40.180 --> 00:20:43.780 and it's just like, yeah, I was, I was the idiot that said you. And she's like, yeah, I was the idiot 00:20:43.780 --> 00:20:47.860 that married a 30 year old with, uh, that had never been married before. And so. 00:20:48.500 --> 00:20:50.020 Yeah. Creeper. Yeah. Yeah. 00:20:55.620 --> 00:20:56.660 I'm gonna have to cut this out. 00:21:01.460 --> 00:21:09.860 Oh man. Megan for me, inner critic is, um, it, when I'm, when I'm reliving a situation, 00:21:09.860 --> 00:21:16.020 um, when I'm, when I'm about to do something, I'll relive a situation where I failed at that 00:21:16.020 --> 00:21:22.260 before, or I did something stupid. Um, like I'll, I'll literally, or even just like, I'll be walking 00:21:22.260 --> 00:21:27.220 around and, um, I'll literally, I'll, I was talking about just out loud. I'll, I'll like 00:21:27.220 --> 00:21:32.500 moan or I'll grunt or I'll say, I'll literally, I'll say like, dang it. Or, you know, for no reason 00:21:32.500 --> 00:21:36.420 whatsoever. And, and my, my wife looks at me or, you know, the kids like, what's wrong, 00:21:36.420 --> 00:21:42.580 dad? I was like, nothing. Just, just reliving some incident from 15 years ago that has nothing to 00:21:42.580 --> 00:21:48.580 do with right now. Uh, but it is just in my head to, to make me feel this big and just to, 00:21:49.140 --> 00:21:55.300 to, to squash me that, that, that I can't do something. And so, um, you know, that, that's the, 00:21:55.300 --> 00:22:00.180 that's my walking example. I don't know that I've got the you story, like, like our, our friend, 00:22:00.180 --> 00:22:05.220 Andy, but that's, that's what I got. I don't want that story. No, I've, I've got, I've got some of 00:22:05.220 --> 00:22:11.060 those stories, but, but that's in another context for a different day. No, I, I mean, I relate to 00:22:11.060 --> 00:22:16.580 the, the stories because I mean, we've all been there in different situations, right? We've all 00:22:16.580 --> 00:22:20.180 looked at our past and been like, man, I wish I could have done that differently, 00:22:20.900 --> 00:22:26.580 but then we dwell on it. We let it like linger, um, in a whole, let's turn it a little bit, 00:22:27.540 --> 00:22:35.460 go to one of, I'll share with one of my like times that maybe derailed me. Um, 00:22:36.260 --> 00:22:42.340 maybe the, one of the biggest lies that my inner critic has told me, um, was, you know, 00:22:42.340 --> 00:22:45.860 I was talking to before, like I've dealt with anxiety and that kind of stuff since I was younger. 00:22:46.180 --> 00:22:52.740 And one of my biggest, it deals with which I grew up in late nineties, early two thousands. 00:22:52.740 --> 00:22:59.300 It was not a great place for a female to grow up when your role models were stick figures, 00:22:59.300 --> 00:23:05.460 basically. And, um, that's what you were trying to live up to when God did not design you to look 00:23:05.460 --> 00:23:12.580 like that. That can be really hard. And so that was a huge one for me that I was like, well, I didn't 00:23:12.580 --> 00:23:18.580 look like these people that were supposed to look like, um, I already feel, you know, you're growing 00:23:18.580 --> 00:23:24.740 up, you feel weird in your body, like all these different things. So my image, like my self-image 00:23:24.740 --> 00:23:32.660 image that I had was really, really negative. And one of the biggest lies that I believed for a long 00:23:32.660 --> 00:23:38.100 time, um, sorry, this one's a hard, it's hard, but it's true. And I know that it helps people, 00:23:38.100 --> 00:23:45.620 but, um, I believe that like God messed up when he made me like he missed something when he was putting 00:23:45.620 --> 00:23:51.700 me together. And I think that a lot of people deal with that and, and struggle with that feeling 00:23:51.700 --> 00:23:57.620 because something feels off, something feels wrong. Being in my childhood, growing up and 00:23:57.620 --> 00:24:05.220 feeling awkward and then feeling like God messed up when he made me. Um, that has been the biggest lie 00:24:05.940 --> 00:24:14.180 that I had believed for so long. It took me until I had people around me. It took me until I went to a 00:24:14.180 --> 00:24:23.700 counselor, um, for the first time to ever say that. And that was about three years ago out loud. Um, so 00:24:23.700 --> 00:24:32.900 for, I don't know, 15, 20 years of my life, it felt like I was, uh, just holding that in, which is not 00:24:32.900 --> 00:24:38.260 healthy. So if you feel that way, please talk to somebody. Um, I always throw that in, but it's, 00:24:38.260 --> 00:24:46.980 yeah, it's one of those things that when you believe your inner critic that lie for so long, 00:24:48.100 --> 00:24:53.460 it's a really hard thing just to like flip the switch and be like, Oh, okay. Yep. Got it. That's, 00:24:53.460 --> 00:25:03.300 that's not true. Um, it takes some time. It takes work on your hat, like your part to get there. 00:25:03.300 --> 00:25:10.420 Um, takes people around you. But I think that the biggest thing, if you can just recognize that like, 00:25:10.420 --> 00:25:17.620 okay, it is a lie, even though it's really hard to just come out of it. Um, that's a first stepping 00:25:17.620 --> 00:25:26.660 stone. The, for me, it was like that right there. So I, I, um, uh, I'm going to bring the Enneagram 00:25:26.660 --> 00:25:31.620 into this, which is whatever, but, uh, I'm an Enneagram three. Uh, so I'm a three and a six 00:25:31.620 --> 00:25:36.420 threes. There's a healthy and a, whatever it's stupid. If you've never studied the Enneagram, 00:25:36.420 --> 00:25:42.180 then don't, don't cause you're going to get lost. But, uh, the threes are performers threes are, 00:25:42.180 --> 00:25:47.460 uh, we'd like to be in front of people. We like to present ourselves. And so a healthy three is 00:25:47.460 --> 00:25:53.140 great. A healthy three is, uh, I think it's great because I'm a three, uh, but a healthy three is 00:25:53.140 --> 00:25:58.740 very much, um, a bolstering presence can really propel a project, can be a leader, can do all 00:25:58.740 --> 00:26:05.060 these things. An unhealthy three moves to a stressed out six and a stressed out six, uh, is very much a, 00:26:05.620 --> 00:26:10.580 um, uh, they listen to the inner critic. They're getting beaten down all the time. They're trying 00:26:10.580 --> 00:26:15.780 to constantly work harder and harder and harder to, to put the mask on to make sure that people see 00:26:15.780 --> 00:26:21.140 perfection or else if they see any crumbling, then, uh, they're going to realize that I'm 00:26:21.140 --> 00:26:27.860 as, uh, unconfident and, um, inferior in my own head as I'm portraying and all those other things. 00:26:27.860 --> 00:26:34.100 And so, um, I actually, back in 2019, there's, I've struggled with that for my entire life. 00:26:34.100 --> 00:26:39.620 Like I, I am, I'm a basket case when it comes to all that, uh, always have been. And I just thought 00:26:39.620 --> 00:26:42.260 it was like, yeah, that's me. I'm just gonna have to deal with it. It's one of the reasons that I fell 00:26:42.260 --> 00:26:46.580 into a whole lot of addictive substances like cocaine and marijuana and all sorts of stuff is 00:26:46.580 --> 00:26:51.860 because, uh, anytime I was high, I didn't have to worry about any of that. It just, I was hanging out 00:26:51.860 --> 00:26:57.220 with friends. We were all kind of, you know, blasted out of our minds and I didn't have to think about 00:26:57.220 --> 00:27:05.060 how bad I actually was. Well, uh, I, back in like 2018, 2019, there's this guy, um, this, his name's 00:27:05.060 --> 00:27:10.260 Ryan O'Neal, but he, he goes by the moniker sleeping at last. He's a, um, he's a brilliant 00:27:10.260 --> 00:27:14.500 musician. Uh, you've, if you've ever listened to Grey's Anatomy or ever watched Grey's Anatomy or any 00:27:14.500 --> 00:27:19.140 one of those shows, those ABC shows, you've heard some sort of sleeping at last song. He, 00:27:19.140 --> 00:27:24.420 he, he performed, he does all these orchestral things. Anyway, he's also a Christian. Um, and he 00:27:24.420 --> 00:27:30.580 decided back in like 2018, he was going to write this suite based on all nine Enneagram numbers. 00:27:31.300 --> 00:27:36.500 And he put this album out in like 2019. I remember listening to it the first time I hadn't really been 00:27:36.500 --> 00:27:40.980 through much counseling at the time I had. My mom had passed away and I had started seeing a counselor 00:27:40.980 --> 00:27:44.660 because of my, because of that. And we kind of started getting stuff. And then I got, I got scared 00:27:44.660 --> 00:27:50.660 and I ran away and then just didn't, didn't see it. And I specifically remember putting this album 00:27:50.660 --> 00:27:57.620 on and it was a week where we had just moved to Florida, um, from Atlanta. I had moved, uh, 00:27:57.620 --> 00:28:03.700 I had thought I had made the complete wrong choice, moving my family down to Tampa. And I was just getting 00:28:03.700 --> 00:28:07.540 the absolute snot kicked out of me by my inner critic. Hey, you're never going to like, what are you 00:28:07.540 --> 00:28:12.740 doing here at this big mega church? You don't belong here. Uh, you're getting paid to like 00:28:12.740 --> 00:28:16.900 surf the internet all day. You're an idiot. You're never going to be able to do these things. This is 00:28:16.900 --> 00:28:21.380 so much, uh, this is so much out of your wheelhouse. You've been a musician. You're not doing any music 00:28:21.380 --> 00:28:27.140 now, et cetera, just over and over and over. Listen to this album. And he literally on the song three, 00:28:27.140 --> 00:28:32.500 and I've got the lyrics pulled up. Like I'm thinking about getting these like tattooed on the inside of 00:28:32.500 --> 00:28:37.300 my arm. Uh, the lyrics are maybe I've done enough as your golden child grew up. Maybe this trophy 00:28:37.300 --> 00:28:42.020 isn't real love and without or with or without it, I'm good enough. Maybe I've done enough. Finally 00:28:42.020 --> 00:28:45.860 catching up for the first time. I see an image of my brokenness, utterly worthy of love. Maybe I've 00:28:45.860 --> 00:28:50.660 done enough. And so it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. And then towards the very end, 00:28:50.660 --> 00:28:55.220 he says, and finally, I see myself unabridged and overwhelmed, a mess of a story. I'm ashamed to 00:28:55.220 --> 00:28:59.780 tell, but I'm slowly learning how to break this spell. And finally, I see myself. And I remember, 00:28:59.780 --> 00:29:06.100 uh, and the song is just beautiful. Oh, it's just like this like bone chilling thing. And I was 00:29:06.100 --> 00:29:11.700 sitting in the van with my, like my wife and I were coming home from Costco. And for whatever reason, 00:29:11.700 --> 00:29:15.540 I just, this is emblazoned in my head. I was listening to the song. We're at this stoplight. 00:29:15.540 --> 00:29:21.300 I'm turning left out of Costco and I am listening and I am a wreck. Like I am just like having a 00:29:21.300 --> 00:29:26.260 breakdown in the middle of the freaking road. And my wife's like, do I need to drive? Like what's 00:29:26.260 --> 00:29:29.700 going on? Are you dying? Like, are you sick? Are you all those things? It's like, no, you just, 00:29:29.700 --> 00:29:35.780 oh, this is, and I couldn't, you know, it was like ugly crying. So finally we went, got going and I 00:29:35.780 --> 00:29:40.980 pulled over into the parking lot of a Publix and it was the, it was like the first time I had been 00:29:40.980 --> 00:29:45.940 like super honest with my wife. We had only been like married five or six years at that point. 00:29:45.940 --> 00:29:49.620 It was the first time I was super honest with her. And I said like, Hey, I need help. 00:29:49.620 --> 00:29:55.140 Like this is you have no idea what's going on in my head. I need help. And I got a counselor shortly 00:29:55.140 --> 00:29:59.140 there after that. And that dude, I still see him like every, every month I still see him. It was 00:29:59.140 --> 00:30:03.780 like every week. And now we're down to once a month, uh, only telling that story because like, 00:30:03.780 --> 00:30:08.980 Hey, if you're struggling with that stuff, go talk to somebody please. Cause that it will overtake 00:30:08.980 --> 00:30:15.620 you and it will ruin your life. It's interesting how the inner critic stuff is. It's all tied around. 00:30:16.580 --> 00:30:21.220 You're not good enough. I mean, like, I mean, obviously we're, we're, we're criticizing ourselves 00:30:21.220 --> 00:30:25.940 or something within us as being critical of that, but it's that perception. Like I'm even thinking 00:30:25.940 --> 00:30:32.820 of, of stuff in, in, in my life and, in, in that. And, um, you know, I mean, I was, I was obsessed 00:30:32.820 --> 00:30:38.820 with football in high school and it went back to my, uh, my football coach, my seventh grade 00:30:38.820 --> 00:30:43.700 year telling me, you suck, Reed. You're never going to amount to anything. And, um, and letting that 00:30:43.700 --> 00:30:48.260 just be the, the, the fuel that literally, I mean, I know that guy is actually in jail right now. 00:30:48.260 --> 00:30:53.140 Uh, but that actually, and I'm not, I'm not at all saying that makes me, you know, bitter 00:30:53.140 --> 00:30:58.980 and like, take that coach. Uh, but, uh, I mean, there is, there's a little bit of truth in that. 00:30:58.980 --> 00:31:05.700 It's, it's, it's like that, that becomes the, uh, the, the, the inner critic becomes the fuel that 00:31:05.700 --> 00:31:11.460 drives us at an healthier, unhealthy level, or it becomes a thing that cripples us at, at an unhealthy 00:31:11.460 --> 00:31:15.460 level. And so how, how that balance out is interesting to me. So. 00:31:15.460 --> 00:31:21.860 Yeah. I did a survey and a couple of years ago, I think with people online and had three 00:31:21.860 --> 00:31:26.740 simple questions about the inner critic and just saying like, you know, how does it affect 00:31:26.740 --> 00:31:32.100 you? What like environmental factors, you know, even play into it. People does kind of things. 00:31:32.100 --> 00:31:36.980 And it was anonymous. And I think I had like 23 people respond. And I remember sitting in my office 00:31:36.980 --> 00:31:41.780 and just crying, like reading through people's responses and like what they believed about 00:31:41.780 --> 00:31:46.820 themselves. And I found it really interesting that it seemed like there was almost like two camps of 00:31:46.820 --> 00:31:53.220 it. You had the camp of like, it's all inward. So it's like how you feel about yourself. Um, 00:31:53.220 --> 00:31:58.020 what you think like you're capable of your worth, all of that. And then the other one was how other 00:31:58.020 --> 00:32:03.380 people view you. So it was outward. So it's how you're feeling that other people are perceiving you. 00:32:03.380 --> 00:32:08.900 Um, which I thought was really interesting that it kind of fell in one of those areas, like 00:32:09.460 --> 00:32:14.420 diving down deep. Is it an inner, like you're feeling this about yourself or is it something 00:32:14.420 --> 00:32:19.940 you're feeling about how other people perceive you? Which I think that goes back to your Enneagram. 00:32:19.940 --> 00:32:26.340 Like you're, it's very much a perceived where mine I'm a perfectionist. I'm a one. So it's very much 00:32:26.340 --> 00:32:35.380 inner. Yeah. So this whole like tech issues, like there's like inner critic. Here's let's throw this 00:32:35.380 --> 00:32:42.820 into the podcast here. No, but I think it's one of those things that a lot of people want to say 00:32:42.820 --> 00:32:48.660 that it can be like, we can just silence it. We can, you know, let go and let God just, you know, 00:32:48.660 --> 00:32:54.500 pray about it harder. I hate these phrases. Um, but all those things, and I don't know that it can fully 00:32:54.500 --> 00:33:01.060 be silenced because we're human. Right. But what are some things we can do to manage it? Like, 00:33:01.060 --> 00:33:05.220 what are some things you found maybe in your own life? Cause everybody's going to experience it 00:33:05.220 --> 00:33:10.340 differently and find ways that manage it best in their own life. But what are some things that you've 00:33:10.340 --> 00:33:15.220 seen that can help you or have helped you in the past that maybe can help somebody else? 00:33:15.220 --> 00:33:21.140 Yeah. Uh, I have, I have two big things that I do now. So, uh, I read this book, um, 00:33:21.700 --> 00:33:26.420 by John Acuff. I don't know if you guys know John Acuff, the, the stuff Christians like guy. 00:33:26.900 --> 00:33:32.100 He wrote a book, uh, back in maybe 2019, 2020, right around there, right when I was like, kind of 00:33:32.980 --> 00:33:36.180 really getting hammered on this inner critic stuff. And there's a book called soundtracks. 00:33:36.740 --> 00:33:40.340 And it's all about the, it's a, it's a loose metaphor, but it's all about the soundtracks 00:33:40.340 --> 00:33:44.340 that are playing in your life. And he said, uh, in there, he's very much like me. He's very much 00:33:44.340 --> 00:33:49.940 a three. He comes from that very performative, uh, background and has that performative mentality. 00:33:50.900 --> 00:33:56.900 And he said, you need to name your inner critic. And I was like, what, what do you mean? Uh, 00:33:57.540 --> 00:34:05.380 and so I started getting a list together, uh, of anytime the inner critic would say something to 00:34:05.380 --> 00:34:08.340 me, I have this little, this little journal next to me and I'd just write down a name, 00:34:08.340 --> 00:34:13.380 whatever the first name that I heard. Um, and so, and then I whittled it down and I got it down to 00:34:13.380 --> 00:34:18.740 two names. I got it down to Todd and I threw Todd away. Cause like, shut up, Todd. Like that, 00:34:18.740 --> 00:34:22.100 that, that just seemed like a, that seemed like a funny thing to me. Uh, but the other, 00:34:22.100 --> 00:34:29.220 the other name I chose, we, and this, I know we're Christians, uh, but, um, I started calling him 00:34:29.220 --> 00:34:38.420 Joffrey, uh, as King Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Yeah. Uh, because Joffrey was a little crap bag 00:34:38.420 --> 00:34:46.180 and, uh, he eventually, spoiler, he dies thankfully. Uh, but he's a real, real bad person. And so I started 00:34:46.180 --> 00:34:50.980 calling him Joffrey. And so anytime now, and it's still like, I'm still plagued with it all the time 00:34:50.980 --> 00:34:57.620 and I get into really bad seasons. Uh, and, um, I, anytime I'm, you know, medication and stuff like 00:34:57.620 --> 00:35:03.780 that is all over the place. Like I, uh, also, by the way, I talking to my counselor, I got on medication, 00:35:03.780 --> 00:35:10.500 which super helped. I'm on a little, a little pill called Lexapro. And let me tell you that changed a 00:35:10.500 --> 00:35:15.060 whole lot of things for me. But, um, anytime I feel Joffrey kind of creeping up, it's just like, 00:35:15.060 --> 00:35:21.860 shut up, Joffrey, go sit in the corner, Joffrey, uh, go, you know, go ram a dragon's head into a wall, 00:35:21.860 --> 00:35:26.820 Joffrey, stuff like that. And I'll tell him to shut up there. So that's number one. Number two, 00:35:26.820 --> 00:35:34.180 uh, I have carried with me the, from the first season of Ted Lasso, uh, I have carried the phrase 00:35:34.180 --> 00:35:39.860 that Ted Lasso runs around with be a goldfish. Uh, I have carried that with me in my back pocket. 00:35:39.860 --> 00:35:42.900 I know I'm, I'm a Christian. I'm a pastor. I'm supposed to have like biblical phrases and stuff. 00:35:42.900 --> 00:35:46.940 And I do, but those are the, those are the quick ones that come out. Uh, it's the be a goldfish. 00:35:46.940 --> 00:35:52.100 If somebody says something about you, cause they're going to, uh, if somebody, like, if you say 00:35:52.100 --> 00:35:56.720 something and you, you get that moment where you're like, you know, Megan, you're doing the whole, 00:35:56.720 --> 00:36:01.840 like, have a good day. You too. If you do that thing, like be a goldfish, you just got to move on. 00:36:01.900 --> 00:36:06.380 You just got to like, I got too much else to worry about. Uh, I got too much else to be beat up about. 00:36:06.380 --> 00:36:13.020 I can't be beat up about that. So those are my two. Yeah, that's awesome. I love that phrase too. 00:36:13.680 --> 00:36:17.860 Yeah. Big goldfish, big goldfish. That was actually on who wants to be a millionaire this season. 00:36:18.100 --> 00:36:23.780 The big goldfish. Yeah. It was one of the, like, you know, under 10, under $1,000 questions. Like what, 00:36:23.900 --> 00:36:28.680 what, uh, what phrase did Ted Lasso say all the time? And it was like, be a goldfish. And one was like, 00:36:28.740 --> 00:36:35.460 be a leopard. And one was like, be a, uh, fruit fly. Fruit fly was hard for a second. I was like, 00:36:35.460 --> 00:36:41.060 fruit fly. No, it's not because, you know, fruit fly lives for like two seconds and dies. That's 00:36:41.060 --> 00:36:45.900 not really the point, but goldfish stuck, stuck with me. That was, that was good. 00:36:45.900 --> 00:36:49.620 Huh? I think I'm going to go biblical because obviously I'm over here. 00:36:50.480 --> 00:36:53.240 Somebody's got to redeem this podcast. This is you. This is your job. 00:36:53.760 --> 00:37:00.000 No, I think that those things are so applicable to people. And so, but one thing that I always run 00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:07.000 and filter all my thoughts or at least I try to, when I can is the Philippians four, eight through 00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:11.780 nine. Uh, you know, it's a, whatever is true, whatever is noble, um, authentic, compelling, 00:37:11.780 --> 00:37:18.620 and gracious, uh, think upon these things. And I love how the message says it. It says not the worst, 00:37:18.620 --> 00:37:24.880 the beautiful, not the ugly, the praise. And I just, I think that's so cool. And it's like, okay, 00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:30.180 if I can filter it through that, I start to see, Hmm, maybe that inner critic. Isn't so truthful, 00:37:30.440 --> 00:37:37.700 so honest to what's really happening around me. So I think that's been a big one that I try to filter 00:37:37.700 --> 00:37:44.460 that through. Now, if I'm on stage hosting and telling people all these things, my inner critic 00:37:44.460 --> 00:37:48.640 is having a whole monologue in my voice. And that's really hard at that moment to be like, 00:37:48.980 --> 00:37:54.820 hold, please, let me filter this through. But, but finding time afterwards and be like, okay, 00:37:55.160 --> 00:38:01.720 that, that monologue is not, is not true. It's not what, what, you know, even God says about me. 00:38:01.720 --> 00:38:08.540 It's not what my husband says about me. It's not what my kids say. And that was one of the exercises 00:38:08.540 --> 00:38:14.620 that I absolutely hated to do in counseling was my counselor said, okay, go home and write on this 00:38:14.620 --> 00:38:19.040 card. What do you see when you look in a mirror? And I was like, Ooh, no, no, no, don't want to do 00:38:19.040 --> 00:38:25.820 that. Um, but I did it cause I'm a rule follower. And so followed that. Um, but then it went on to 00:38:25.820 --> 00:38:29.700 like, well, what does your husband see? What do your kids see? You know, what does God see? And that's 00:38:29.700 --> 00:38:35.240 what it all boiled down to. And so I think when you can start to see yourself the way God sees you, 00:38:35.280 --> 00:38:41.620 that can start to change the way your inner critic talks to you, um, or, or says things about you. 00:38:41.660 --> 00:38:47.100 So that's, that's been like the biggest game changer. And then obviously like podcasts and books and 00:38:47.100 --> 00:38:53.100 all that is finding, I love to learn about the brain. So as I continue learning about that, that's 00:38:53.100 --> 00:38:57.680 helped a lot too. Yeah, of course. All right. So let me ask this question. 00:38:58.900 --> 00:39:05.480 Do you silence the inner critic or does the inner critic words no longer have impact? 00:39:05.840 --> 00:39:12.800 Like, do you ever actually get Joffrey to shut up or is, is, do you just, you know, ignore him and 00:39:12.800 --> 00:39:17.540 stick him in the corner? So I don't think he ever shuts up. And I think that's, at least for me, 00:39:17.540 --> 00:39:22.900 for my personality style, I never get Joffrey to shut up. I learned how to, again, compartmentalize 00:39:22.900 --> 00:39:28.300 and put him into a proper corner. Most of the time, uh, the, my problem is that it's a very, 00:39:28.300 --> 00:39:36.000 uh, will and energy based system for me. And when I'm running low, if you're part of our discord, 00:39:36.000 --> 00:39:41.120 you see, I routinely will post the, the, the meme of the dude dumping a whole pot of coffee on his face 00:39:41.120 --> 00:39:45.880 in the bathtub. Uh, routinely I get like four or five hours of sleep and I'm very tired most of the 00:39:45.880 --> 00:39:51.960 time. And so Joffrey's most of the time has a field day when that's happening. Uh, and so that's 00:39:51.960 --> 00:39:58.580 when I have to really lean biblical, uh, and start to actually go, Oh yeah, by the way, I am think on 00:39:58.580 --> 00:40:03.200 these things, like think on the, the true and the good and the wise and the mighty thing. Like, yeah. 00:40:03.560 --> 00:40:07.400 Uh, Joffrey never shuts up though for me. And I don't know, Megan, maybe he does for you, 00:40:07.400 --> 00:40:11.780 but, or whatever your, your little Todd is called or whatever, but no, he never shuts up for me. 00:40:12.760 --> 00:40:19.640 And I think I'm going to name it Todd from now on. Yeah. It's a great, uh, no, I don't know 00:40:19.640 --> 00:40:26.280 anyone that it completely just silences and shuts off. Um, if you, if somebody figures it out, 00:40:26.280 --> 00:40:32.160 please let me know. Cause I would love to, to make that happen. Um, but I, I think it's really just 00:40:32.160 --> 00:40:39.740 figuring out what is true. What, what's, what do I believe? What do I kind of use as maybe a warning 00:40:39.740 --> 00:40:46.860 signal as a, like, Hey, I noticed that this is happening and I know where it leads. Um, so things 00:40:46.860 --> 00:40:54.660 like that. And I think I, it's hard for me to just like, let it go to just not acknowledge it and be 00:40:54.660 --> 00:41:00.800 like, Oh yeah. Okay. I'm thinking that. Nope. Just move on with my life. No, because if I don't deal 00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:08.460 with it, if I don't even just say it out loud or walk through that feeling, the thought, um, that 00:41:08.460 --> 00:41:13.860 emotion, I, then I, I don't, it's just going to bottle up and it's going to be pressed down and 00:41:13.860 --> 00:41:18.200 pressed down and pressed down. And I heard this example the other day and I've used it with so 00:41:18.200 --> 00:41:22.900 many people and I was like, this is perfect. But, um, if you think of like a bottle of soda, 00:41:22.900 --> 00:41:30.240 soda, so let's say a Coke, like you have a bottle of soda, you can see the Coke in there each like 00:41:30.240 --> 00:41:35.260 moment in your life. So each thought is like, you're shaking the bottle just a little bit. 00:41:35.440 --> 00:41:41.240 And so you shake it and like a really big thought that can really disrupt your life, 00:41:41.560 --> 00:41:46.600 shake it a little bit more. Um, until you get that ring of foam around the top, 00:41:46.740 --> 00:41:52.820 you know, before you open it. So if you open that right away, it's going to just explode all over, 00:41:52.820 --> 00:41:58.520 right? It's going to go everywhere and become a complete mess. And I think our inner critic and 00:41:58.520 --> 00:42:03.860 our emotions can feel like that. Sometimes if we just keep pressing them down, it activates them and 00:42:03.860 --> 00:42:11.800 it brings a pressure where if we can just give some time and then open it slowly, you have that little 00:42:11.800 --> 00:42:18.080 like, like sizzle that comes out. And that's what we kind of have to be able to do with those thoughts 00:42:18.080 --> 00:42:23.880 is let it sizzle just a little bit, give it some time. I know. And then you're able to like fully 00:42:23.880 --> 00:42:29.520 process it and it doesn't become a complete mess over like the worst possible place, because that's 00:42:29.520 --> 00:42:33.900 what's going to happen. If you don't try, like deal with it at some point in your life. 00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:37.100 Quote of the podcast is let it sizzle, by the way. 00:42:39.400 --> 00:42:40.900 Yeah. Let it, let it sizzle. 00:42:42.580 --> 00:42:50.480 I was trying to do that short. I didn't want to do it. Yeah. I I've used that in counseling and I'm 00:42:50.480 --> 00:42:53.660 like, I would bring a bottle in, but I don't want it all over my office. 00:42:53.840 --> 00:42:54.820 Smart. Yeah. Smart. 00:42:55.260 --> 00:42:57.700 Definitely don't want to do that. I would not be good. 00:42:57.840 --> 00:42:58.040 Yeah. 00:42:58.100 --> 00:42:58.280 Yeah. 00:42:59.800 --> 00:43:03.880 How often Megan, I don't know if you can answer this and I don't want stories. I don't want to 00:43:03.880 --> 00:43:11.740 violate anything, but I would imagine inner critic is a constant rhythm with, with people that you're 00:43:11.740 --> 00:43:16.580 counseling. Like it's, it seems to be like everything could almost boil back down to that. 00:43:16.620 --> 00:43:18.180 Am I, am I reading that correctly? 00:43:18.820 --> 00:43:27.420 Yeah. It's, I think it becomes sometimes part of our identity, um, who we are. And sometimes it's easier 00:43:27.420 --> 00:43:34.340 to not deal with it in process because it's almost like you have that comfort blanket and you just 00:43:34.340 --> 00:43:39.600 carry it around with you. And like, that's how you don't know what's life life is like without 00:43:39.600 --> 00:43:47.860 having that. Um, and that's scary. That can be a very scary thing. And so the thought of walking 00:43:47.860 --> 00:43:53.820 into something or, you know, walking into counseling, walking into those emotions, those feelings, 00:43:53.940 --> 00:44:01.500 those thoughts can become really scary. And so it's a, it's a thing that I, I, again, I don't know a 00:44:01.500 --> 00:44:07.480 person who doesn't deal with it on some level. Um, and they may not name it that, but it's, it's there 00:44:07.480 --> 00:44:08.020 for sure. 00:44:08.400 --> 00:44:12.380 Yeah. You know, I don't, I don't think I've ever told this story, but you just saying that was like, 00:44:12.420 --> 00:44:18.440 okay, let me, let me, let me tell this. So 2020 COVID's happening, right? And, um, there was, and 00:44:18.440 --> 00:44:23.200 actually we're going to meet, um, Mindy, this in a little bit, Mindy Caliguire, she's going to be 00:44:23.200 --> 00:44:30.340 on a future show. Um, Mindy, incredible soulcare.com. She reached out. No, she's not, she's more, uh, 00:44:30.520 --> 00:44:35.080 spiritual direction than actual counseling and her organization does more of that type of thing. 00:44:35.660 --> 00:44:41.420 But, um, she says, um, Jeff, um, you know, you're, you've been doing a great work online, 00:44:41.420 --> 00:44:45.880 helping all these churches. We were, we were friends and she's like, why don't, why don't we 00:44:45.880 --> 00:44:52.660 give you, you know, five free sessions, uh, for, um, through soulcare.com with a, with a counselor, 00:44:52.940 --> 00:44:56.660 you know, meet online on zoom and just, you know, do it for free just to, you know, make sure that 00:44:56.660 --> 00:45:03.640 you're processing all this well. Um, and we, so I did, I did five sessions. It was actually four 00:45:03.640 --> 00:45:09.420 sessions. I, cause by the time we got midway through the fourth one, uh, the counselor had backed 00:45:09.420 --> 00:45:17.160 me up into the corner where it was like, okay, if I rip that bandaid off, if I address the thing that 00:45:17.160 --> 00:45:22.360 you want me to address right now, I'm not going to be the person coming out of this, that, that I need 00:45:22.360 --> 00:45:30.320 to be in COVID. Um, because I just, I was, I was using just my confession hour. I was using my critic 00:45:30.320 --> 00:45:34.960 as the, as the, you know, F you guy in my life. And it was like, well, I'm going to, I'm going to do it 00:45:34.960 --> 00:45:41.380 despite you. And, um, and he was trying to repair that. And, and, and also I'm like, I don't, I don't, 00:45:41.380 --> 00:45:45.260 I don't need that. I need to be able to work 20 plus hours a night. I need to almost be unhealthy 00:45:45.260 --> 00:45:49.800 in the season. And, um, and he probably, he made me promise. Well, Jeff, you're going to have to get 00:45:49.800 --> 00:45:54.760 this addressed and okay. Yeah, I'll come back. I'll come back. I'll come back. And they would check in 00:45:54.760 --> 00:45:58.420 every once in a while, you know, for, for more sessions, you know, would you like to talk some more 00:45:58.420 --> 00:46:04.100 about this, finish up now I'm too busy. No, I'm too busy. No. And I ignored, I ignored coming back. 00:46:04.620 --> 00:46:10.460 And in, in, in many ways, the, the crap that I went through in 23, the crash that, that I'd had 00:46:10.460 --> 00:46:16.460 three years later, uh, was tied into the fact that I never really addressed the thing that I knew was 00:46:16.460 --> 00:46:21.920 there. It was lingering. I just, I just ignored it and, and, and ignored dealing with it until it 00:46:21.920 --> 00:46:29.000 became part of this really big mess of crapola, uh, that exploded and that I was forced to deal with 00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:37.260 kind of in real time, second half of last year. And so, um, you know, ignoring it seems like it for 00:46:37.260 --> 00:46:43.140 me, ignoring, it seemed to be like, Oh, that's the answer. I, let me just get past this and just, 00:46:43.140 --> 00:46:51.200 you know, stick Todd in the corner, bad Todd, Todd, um, stupid Todd. Shut up, Todd. Oh my gosh. 00:46:51.480 --> 00:46:58.600 But by doing that, I actually gave Todd more power. It's interesting, Andy. Um, I don't know if you 00:46:58.600 --> 00:47:05.660 realize this, but I guess early this year, I, I said to you, I judged on, on a zoom call with you 00:47:05.660 --> 00:47:12.280 and this was, I was, I was on all these meds. My health was not good. Um, like every aspect of my 00:47:12.280 --> 00:47:21.040 life was, was like off kilter by some degree. And, um, and, and, and I, so I grabbed Andy in a meeting and I 00:47:21.040 --> 00:47:27.960 just want you to know, like, I just need to tell you, like, I'm depressed right now. Um, and, um, 00:47:28.360 --> 00:47:32.220 and I was like, I don't, I'm trying to, and in my mind, there's like, I'm trying to figure out 00:47:32.220 --> 00:47:37.980 if it's the medicine, if it's the situation, if it's like, why am I depressed? Like I, I found 00:47:37.980 --> 00:47:44.900 myself for weeks trying to figure out and to solve this equation on its own and to, for me to justify, 00:47:44.900 --> 00:47:52.000 so I could put Todd back in the corner and justify Todd being there. Um, and just even putting words on 00:47:52.000 --> 00:48:00.420 it and saying, Hey, Andy, I'm, I'm, I'm depressed right now. Um, if I'm honest, 70%, 80% of the power 00:48:00.420 --> 00:48:07.360 of depression left for my situation by just telling Andy that, um, by getting it out there. Now, Andy 00:48:07.360 --> 00:48:13.520 told me something back and I don't, I mean, it was, it was nice. It was inspiring. It was pastoral. It was 00:48:13.520 --> 00:48:19.720 powerful, but it was not 70 to 80% of depression's power being removed. Like Andy's not, didn't have 00:48:19.720 --> 00:48:26.020 those words in that two second sound, two minute sound bite. Um, it was, it was really, it was just 00:48:26.020 --> 00:48:32.500 put getting it out there, removing the stigma and which removed the power from it. And at least in my 00:48:32.500 --> 00:48:42.180 story. And so I, uh, I appreciate Andy's helpfulness in that. You're welcome. Um, and then, but more than 00:48:42.180 --> 00:48:48.660 that, like, don't stick them in the corner, like get them out while you can, while you have, while 00:48:48.660 --> 00:48:54.800 you have the power of the situation instead of giving more power to him or her. Yeah. Or yeah, 00:48:54.800 --> 00:49:01.820 them, that person, that idiot, Todd, uh, I, I will say the getting rid of, so I, I, I've told, 00:49:01.900 --> 00:49:06.520 I've been pretty, pretty open with everybody about this, but I've, again, on medication, 00:49:06.520 --> 00:49:12.040 medication for me is there's a legitimate, um, one of the things we figured out during my counseling 00:49:12.040 --> 00:49:17.480 stuff was that my inner critic, what my addictiveness, uh, my addictive personality 00:49:17.480 --> 00:49:26.320 is, uh, it led down some pretty dark roads. And, uh, the reason that I'm taking, uh, some, 00:49:26.380 --> 00:49:33.340 my dogs are, of course, barking right now. Uh, the reason that I'm taking, um, Lexapro is because 00:49:33.340 --> 00:49:40.300 what it does is it actually helps focus those things. It helps focus away the Joffreys and 00:49:40.300 --> 00:49:45.540 the Tods and actually helps me focus a little bit more on, uh, staying even, staying focused, 00:49:45.540 --> 00:49:52.540 staying, um, uh, with it and together. Uh, I, I, I first told my counselor, like, I don't want 00:49:52.540 --> 00:49:57.300 this as a crutch. And he said, no, it's not a crutch, uh, when it's a legitimate thing. 00:49:57.300 --> 00:50:02.580 He said, a lot of times people use medication as crutches, but if you have an addictive personality 00:50:02.580 --> 00:50:08.900 and you're, you are literally, uh, you had a lot of years with substances inside of you, 00:50:08.960 --> 00:50:14.040 literally chemicals that were altering your brain. He said, medication, a lot of times will 00:50:14.040 --> 00:50:19.100 help you to rewire your brain. And I'm not going to be on it forever. Uh, but I do anticipate 00:50:19.100 --> 00:50:23.440 being on it for a little bit longer. And I will tell you what, like, it's, I can tell the days 00:50:23.440 --> 00:50:27.800 when I miss one, uh, not just with depression and all that, but like my inner critic, the anxiety 00:50:27.800 --> 00:50:32.020 that comes with Joffrey trying to tell me that I'm an idiot and then I'm too short and I'm too 00:50:32.020 --> 00:50:36.880 bald. And my, my beard is too gross and I'm never going to be fast and I'm never going to be a good 00:50:36.880 --> 00:50:41.300 pastor and I'm never going to be a good dad. Like that, that ramps up considerably. 00:50:41.780 --> 00:50:46.100 It's amazing. All the different opportunities that we have, like through counselors, 00:50:46.100 --> 00:50:52.340 through medicine, through family, friends, loved ones, like being able to come at this from different 00:50:52.340 --> 00:50:58.900 angles because every person is going to be able to handle it differently, um, and be able to manage 00:50:58.900 --> 00:51:04.540 their inner critic, their own mental health differently. And for some people, like you said, 00:51:04.600 --> 00:51:09.440 like medicine is wonderful. And for some people it doesn't work as well. So unfortunately it's a 00:51:09.440 --> 00:51:14.880 little bit of a trial and error to find what the right thing is. But once you find that it's so 00:51:14.880 --> 00:51:21.660 freeing and it gives you so much more to be able to manage. Um, it's, it's one of those things that 00:51:21.660 --> 00:51:27.220 like, for me, I know I will deal with anxiety my entire life. I mean, I'm not going to put God in a 00:51:27.220 --> 00:51:33.300 box. He could just say, he heal it and take it away, but he hasn't. Um, and I'm, it's going to sound 00:51:33.300 --> 00:51:38.500 weird. I'm kind of grateful he hasn't because yeah, I don't like the times that it's really hard 00:51:38.500 --> 00:51:42.380 to get through different pieces of life or get through different thoughts that my inner critic 00:51:42.380 --> 00:51:48.440 tells me, but to be able to get to where I am, I wouldn't be like, I wouldn't have went through all 00:51:48.440 --> 00:51:53.960 the training. I wouldn't have went through the different programs to learn so that I can in turn 00:51:53.960 --> 00:52:00.300 help other people. If I would have just been healed and like it'd been taken away, I wouldn't be doing 00:52:00.300 --> 00:52:06.380 this because I wouldn't have had the passion to be able to help other people. And so that's been 00:52:06.380 --> 00:52:13.360 just such a driving force to help. And then I think through of like, when I'm sitting across from 00:52:13.360 --> 00:52:17.520 people, I always think of, okay, what would, cause I've been in that situation. I've been sitting on 00:52:17.520 --> 00:52:22.640 the other side of my desk basically. And I'm like, what would I tell my younger self? What would I tell 00:52:22.640 --> 00:52:29.520 myself? Because that's who I'm sitting across from is myself before I was able to manage this 00:52:29.520 --> 00:52:36.020 so much better. And I know my biggest one is I want them to know. And I would tell, I wish I could go 00:52:36.020 --> 00:52:40.220 back and tell my younger self, like, you're not alone. You're not the only person dealing with this 00:52:40.220 --> 00:52:45.380 because our inner critic loves to tell us that our inner critic loves to say, you're the only one who 00:52:45.380 --> 00:52:51.720 think who thinks this way. Your only one feels this way. And especially when you're doing ministry or 00:52:51.720 --> 00:52:58.140 ministry through, you know, digital spaces, you're the only one that's dealing with this because you see 00:52:58.140 --> 00:53:03.220 all the other things that are happening. Like everybody else is living this wonderful life 00:53:03.220 --> 00:53:08.680 and has all these things. Um, so that's probably one of the biggest things I wish I could just go 00:53:08.680 --> 00:53:13.880 back and tell my younger self, but now I get to tell other people that they're not alone. Um, do you 00:53:13.880 --> 00:53:19.240 guys think of any things that, that you would love to be able to tell your younger self or maybe other 00:53:19.240 --> 00:53:21.380 people listening who are struggling with this right now? 00:53:21.640 --> 00:53:26.060 I mean, I, I would say stop caring. Uh, and if I could, if I could go back and sit with myself, 00:53:26.060 --> 00:53:30.180 I would say stop caring. I'm a pastor. And so I like to tell stories. Uh, one of the stories 00:53:30.180 --> 00:53:36.100 that I would relate to this is, um, we had a greyhound. I've always loved greyhounds. Um, 00:53:36.180 --> 00:53:41.080 I think they're like the best dogs. And if you're not from Florida, you might not know that what 00:53:41.080 --> 00:53:46.080 greyhounds go through down here, but, uh, they have literal dog tracks where they take greyhounds 00:53:46.080 --> 00:53:51.660 into their born into captivity. And then they're essentially given a small concrete cell to live 00:53:51.660 --> 00:53:57.280 in. And they're let out a couple of times a day to sprint at a thing that looks like a rabbit 00:53:57.280 --> 00:54:02.020 and they chase them. And then that's what they do for training. And then they go back into that cage 00:54:02.020 --> 00:54:06.580 and then they sit there and they're usually, it's pretty bad conditions usually. Uh, and then 00:54:06.580 --> 00:54:13.020 occasionally about once a week, they get taken out into the dog park and they then come from the dog 00:54:13.020 --> 00:54:17.400 park into the dog track. They get put into these traps, the traps open, there's eight or 10 other 00:54:17.400 --> 00:54:22.060 dogs around them. And then they run at this thing and people bet on them. Uh, that's just, 00:54:22.360 --> 00:54:26.100 that's right. Dog track racing. It's different than horse racing. The horses are treated very well. 00:54:26.460 --> 00:54:33.220 Dogs are treated very poorly. Uh, the thing then that happens when they get like a year or two old 00:54:33.220 --> 00:54:38.540 is that they're quote unquote past their prime. And so then they go into retirement. And if they 00:54:38.540 --> 00:54:45.320 aren't, if you don't find a home for the dog, then they're ultimately put down. We had a dog, 00:54:45.700 --> 00:54:50.100 a greyhound loved her. She was great. She had some mental issues, obviously from being beaten and all 00:54:50.100 --> 00:54:56.440 those other things, but loved her. She was awesome. One thing that would happen, uh, when we had, 00:54:57.040 --> 00:55:03.920 her, however, is that she never, she could never forget how to not chase the thing. 00:55:05.180 --> 00:55:09.560 And so when she would see, we had to, we had to, you know, dogs, you can usually put on the 10 or 12 00:55:09.560 --> 00:55:13.760 foot leads. You can put on a six foot lead. Uh, they have special leads for greyhounds because 00:55:13.760 --> 00:55:18.380 they're so fast and so agile and so strong that if they get up, they get up to top speed like that. 00:55:18.380 --> 00:55:23.680 And so if you give her even a six foot lead, uh, a leash, she'll snap her neck and she'll die. 00:55:24.640 --> 00:55:29.560 And, uh, and so if she saw the raccoon while we were out walking, she would like want to do the 00:55:29.560 --> 00:55:35.940 thing. And for so long when we had her, it was, I wanted to say, Ella, you need to forget the thing. 00:55:36.000 --> 00:55:41.380 Like you, you are in such a better place. Like what, why are you, why are you still chasing the 00:55:41.380 --> 00:55:45.900 thing? Like you have everything. You never will need that squirrel. You will net, you, you have a 00:55:45.900 --> 00:55:49.960 big bed. You've got a home. You've got people that love you. We taught you how to walk up and 00:55:49.960 --> 00:55:53.820 downstairs. Cause she didn't know how to walk up and downstairs. Like we, we've taught you all these 00:55:53.820 --> 00:55:58.720 things. How do you not see that? And she always still wanted that squirrel. And I would tell my, 00:55:58.860 --> 00:56:02.420 I would tell my younger self that same thing. Hey, you need to be like the greyhound. And you just 00:56:02.420 --> 00:56:06.840 need to understand that like, that's, that's, that's not the thing that, that Joffrey, that's 00:56:06.840 --> 00:56:10.680 going to chase you down about that one small little thing. Forget about it. Stop caring about 00:56:10.680 --> 00:56:17.080 it. You don't need that anymore. Forget the squirrel. Forget the squirrel, man. Was, was it Rocky? 00:56:17.880 --> 00:56:23.880 Is Rocky the squirrel in Bullwinkle? Rocky, Rocky raccoon. Uh, Rocky was a raccoon. Is Rocky a raccoon? 00:56:24.100 --> 00:56:29.980 Yeah. Rocky's a raccoon. Yep. Mouse, a moose and squirrel. No, it is, it is. You're right. It is. 00:56:29.980 --> 00:56:35.280 It is, it's moose and squirrel. It's Rocky. It's a raccoon. Rocky is, is, uh, okay. All right. So 00:56:35.280 --> 00:56:43.700 forget Rocky. Yeah. Get that tattoo. Um, no, Rocky, I'm looking at Rocky. He's an idiot. He looks 00:56:43.700 --> 00:56:49.640 like an idiot. I forgot that. Got that big buck teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's my take on 00:56:49.640 --> 00:56:57.540 the situation. Nice. Um, yeah, I, I, I would, I don't, I don't have a good story like that. Um, and 00:56:57.540 --> 00:57:02.700 living in Florida, I've never been to a dog track. I, I, I second everything he just said. Um, 00:57:02.760 --> 00:57:15.880 but I do, um, I gave too much power to the opinion of, of, um, of Todd, of, um, of Rocky, 00:57:16.420 --> 00:57:23.380 of, of those around me. Like I, I just, I, I, I empowered too much of that, um, in, in my, 00:57:23.380 --> 00:57:29.520 in my, over my years. Um, so that's probably some of the weight that I'm, um, carried or 00:57:29.520 --> 00:57:35.220 have carried it literally for me over the years. But, um, and I don't know that I'm better 00:57:35.220 --> 00:57:41.060 now. I mean, I'm still, I'm still carrying some of that, that baggage, but pro and processing 00:57:41.060 --> 00:57:47.320 through it. But I think I've, I've learned over the years to, um, stick them in the corner 00:57:47.320 --> 00:57:54.200 a little bit more and, and, um, and discredit them, uh, where necessary. You know, when, 00:57:54.360 --> 00:58:03.180 when, um, coach tells me you suck, Reed, you never amount to anything. I, I throw back at 00:58:03.180 --> 00:58:08.380 him the things that I've done and that I've got kids who love me and a, and a, and a wife 00:58:08.380 --> 00:58:14.360 and, um, and, um, and a happy marriage and, um, and I love God and, you know, the things 00:58:14.360 --> 00:58:22.080 in my life that, that maybe counterbalance what, um, and, you know, the coach was more 00:58:22.080 --> 00:58:28.080 alluding to the fact that, you know, I, I was falling off my blocks, uh, being an offensive 00:58:28.080 --> 00:58:33.820 lineman and, um, you know, saying that to a seventh grader may not be the wisest choice 00:58:33.820 --> 00:58:40.620 in the history of mankind. But, um, that being said, you know, I still hear that coach's voice 00:58:40.620 --> 00:58:41.760 in my head every once in a while. 00:58:41.760 --> 00:58:48.060 Yeah. It's hard to just completely forget about those types of things. And it made me 00:58:48.060 --> 00:58:53.840 think of, um, kind of flipping it just a little bit with how we think of a lot of these negative 00:58:53.840 --> 00:59:00.020 pieces of, you know, we're not good enough. We're not all this, but then I think in the 00:59:00.020 --> 00:59:07.400 Christian realm, um, we've been told so much to not be prideful, which that can hit, but 00:59:07.400 --> 00:59:13.180 also like it's, you start to feel guilty for being like, Oh, I've done this. I've, I've 00:59:13.180 --> 00:59:17.140 done this, this, and this. And like, yeah, I should be a little bit of proud about that. 00:59:17.140 --> 00:59:23.980 Like, yes, keep it like humble, but to do a like actual evaluation of your life of what 00:59:23.980 --> 00:59:30.220 you've done and being able to say those things. I remember I was sitting, um, with Stacy, we 00:59:30.220 --> 00:59:35.440 were sitting, having dinner and we were talking and I was like, yeah, so cool. Like we've gotten 00:59:35.440 --> 00:59:39.160 to do all these things with church and the ministries and, and all this stuff. And then 00:59:39.160 --> 00:59:45.020 I sat, my inner critic was going, stop bragging, stop, stop, stop saying those things. And I 00:59:45.020 --> 00:59:49.180 was like, I literally stopped. And I was like, I'm, I'm so sorry. I'm talking about myself 00:59:49.180 --> 00:59:53.500 so much or, or, you know, I feel like I'm bragging. And she's like, no, like these are 00:59:53.500 --> 00:59:58.980 great accomplishments that you guys are doing. And I was like, yeah, they are. And so there's 00:59:58.980 --> 01:00:05.000 a big balance because you can go to extreme in either side. So finding that balance of being 01:00:05.000 --> 01:00:10.760 able to be proud of what you've done. Um, going back just a little bit to my story of where 01:00:10.760 --> 01:00:17.220 I felt like I was made wrong and messed up when I was made. And, um, the moment that changed 01:00:17.220 --> 01:00:21.680 was when I could look in the mirror and I could say, I'm proud of who I'm becoming. 01:00:22.420 --> 01:00:27.820 And that was the first time I had ever said I was proud like of myself. Um, so being able 01:00:27.820 --> 01:00:33.420 to look at myself and being like, yeah, I'm proud of who I'm becoming. So it's first off 01:00:33.420 --> 01:00:38.340 being proud because I know God created me the way he did and, and being proud of the things 01:00:38.340 --> 01:00:44.380 that I have done, but then of who I'm becoming, it means I'm not where I want to be. Like 01:00:44.380 --> 01:00:47.960 I have a goal. Like I want to get to a certain place or I want to be able to do certain things, 01:00:47.960 --> 01:00:55.280 but being able to be content with who I am right now in this moment. And I think that is a big piece 01:00:55.280 --> 01:01:01.720 that helps silence that inner critic of just that being content with what you have and, and who you're 01:01:01.720 --> 01:01:07.300 around and what you're doing. Even if it's not where you want to be, even if it's not like you want 01:01:07.300 --> 01:01:12.420 to achieve all these different things, you might get there, you can get there, but to be able to be 01:01:12.420 --> 01:01:18.300 content with where you are is a huge piece. And I mean, we see it in scripture that we're, we were 01:01:18.300 --> 01:01:23.680 supposed to be content with where we are. Yeah. Wow. I was not expecting to go humility route to, 01:01:23.680 --> 01:01:29.520 to land the show, but, um, that, no, I think that's a good point. It's, it's be, be, 01:01:29.640 --> 01:01:36.920 be content with that. You know, the, the, the inner critic, um, almost leans towards pride, 01:01:36.920 --> 01:01:41.200 right? I mean, it's, that's, that's the, that's the reverse side of that. To be able to say that, 01:01:41.280 --> 01:01:46.360 that the, the inner critic is calling attention to what you, you, you, you think you deserve what 01:01:46.360 --> 01:01:52.420 you think you want, but you haven't been able to achieve and being, being content with where you 01:01:52.420 --> 01:02:01.060 are and how life has gone for you and how God has gifted you. Um, I mean, that brings the peace, 01:02:01.060 --> 01:02:07.540 uh, I'm, I'm hearing that, that maybe we're, we're looking for. Wow. Yeah. Megan Carter landing 01:02:07.540 --> 01:02:14.320 the plane. Very well. Dropping it. Wow. I got to tell you that, that I'm literally, I'm like, 01:02:14.380 --> 01:02:20.800 how the garbage are we going to land the show? And she just, she just nailed it. Like that's a, 01:02:20.800 --> 01:02:25.760 that's a 9.7. Some, some French judge is holding up a sign right now. We just got through the 01:02:25.760 --> 01:02:31.600 Olympics. Megan, Megan. Very well played. Megan just gold medal. Yeah. Look at me. And I just 01:02:31.600 --> 01:02:36.920 gave Todd a sign to hold up to say 9.7. So even Todd's approving of, of the, I approve of this 01:02:36.920 --> 01:02:42.980 message. Okay. So good. Um, Hey, as we're wrapping up, Andy, uh, any closing thoughts? No, this is 01:02:42.980 --> 01:02:48.420 great. I mean, obviously just for me, naming, naming the inner critic has been huge. Uh, and I just, 01:02:48.420 --> 01:02:54.360 I encourage you to have a little notepad anytime you feel those things and, uh, uh, jot down that 01:02:54.360 --> 01:02:58.920 person that comes to your head immediately. Is it Karen? Is it Joffrey? Is it Todd? Is it Chad? 01:02:59.020 --> 01:03:03.920 Is it, you know, some of those names? I, I don't mean to offend if your name is Todd or Karen or 01:03:03.920 --> 01:03:08.120 Joffrey, uh, you know, whatever name it is, write it down and then start to put that person in the 01:03:08.120 --> 01:03:12.080 corner and realize that they are not who you are. That is not who your identity is. Your identity is 01:03:12.080 --> 01:03:17.700 wrapped up in Christ, not in Todd or Joffrey or Karen. If your name is Karen. 01:03:18.080 --> 01:03:22.100 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I, I, it's in the year 2024. 01:03:22.760 --> 01:03:29.000 Andy at the church digital. Yes. Normally I'm like, actually that will go through. It's that email 01:03:29.000 --> 01:03:32.300 address, even though that's not as real email address, that one will work. So you can email 01:03:32.300 --> 01:03:38.520 in there too. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I would, uh, uh, seriously, Karen's out there. Uh, feel free to like, 01:03:38.520 --> 01:03:42.900 we change your name. We understand. And so everybody else just deal with it, but Karen, 01:03:43.360 --> 01:03:50.920 not Todd. This is not Todd. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Shut up, Todd. Actually, I, my, my church, 01:03:50.980 --> 01:03:56.080 I know Karen's, I know Todd. Uh, and so I, all of these chats, I know chats and I'm, I'm like 01:03:56.080 --> 01:04:01.320 internalizing some of my feelings right now. I'm kidding. It's great. Megan is wrapping up any, 01:04:01.320 --> 01:04:07.100 any closing thoughts? Uh, I think my biggest thing is like, if you're dealing with any of this, 01:04:07.100 --> 01:04:13.620 like talk to somebody, find a safe person. That's literally when I do my podcast at end, 01:04:13.700 --> 01:04:18.340 every episode, talk to someone, find someone to talk to. And if you don't have anyone to talk to, 01:04:18.480 --> 01:04:25.020 like the church digital, like, uh, like any of us would be willing to sit and talk with you. Um, 01:04:25.360 --> 01:04:30.760 I know I do that online and talk to a lot of people and just be able to have a safe space to be able to 01:04:30.760 --> 01:04:36.120 share that. Like you said, Jeff, it does take that power away from that thought, that feeling 01:04:36.120 --> 01:04:42.000 that you can start to just take a step forward. And so talk to someone is always my go-to. 01:04:42.400 --> 01:04:47.400 Yeah. As, as, as embarrassing, as hard, as difficult, whatever your perceptions are about it, 01:04:47.400 --> 01:04:55.720 um, putting words on it to someone, um, it can revolutionize, uh, you. Um, and, and it gives 01:04:55.720 --> 01:05:01.440 you a completely different, different outlook and weight. There've been several situations in my own 01:05:01.440 --> 01:05:08.480 life that, that just putting words on it, um, and, and, and giving that, giving that information to 01:05:08.480 --> 01:05:14.660 someone to process. It takes the weight off of you. Um, it, there, the burden's not there. And, 01:05:14.720 --> 01:05:18.280 uh, you're, it's a, it's a completely different outlook on that. So I would encourage as well, 01:05:18.320 --> 01:05:23.960 Megan. Uh, and she's right. The church digital, we, we'd love to help, uh, people process through 01:05:23.960 --> 01:05:27.880 this. So, uh, I mean, I'll tell you what, just even to wrap up the show, I'll give you off my cell 01:05:27.880 --> 01:05:33.840 phone and text me four, eight, four, three, two, four, eight, seven, two, four. Uh, if it's a U S 01:05:33.840 --> 01:05:38.760 based, uh, plus one, if you're international four, eight, four, three, two, four, eight, seven, two, 01:05:38.760 --> 01:05:45.100 four, you can go and text me there. And I would love to either help you myself or get you connected 01:05:45.100 --> 01:05:51.780 with someone who can, uh, help you through that Megan or otherwise. Um, and that is, uh, that's not a 01:05:51.780 --> 01:05:56.280 fake email account that will work. That actually is my cell phone number. So you can do that. 01:05:56.280 --> 01:06:03.820 I mean, I guess you can call me, but who calls anymore? Who calls anymore? Like I, the whole, 01:06:04.120 --> 01:06:08.900 like I actually, I never hear my phone ring. Like I, I just don't even know what that means. 01:06:09.040 --> 01:06:13.440 We need to do a podcast series on this. How is it that children and we can end, I'm sorry. 01:06:13.680 --> 01:06:19.120 Uh, how is it that children walking around don't know that this thing is for calling? I'm holding up 01:06:19.120 --> 01:06:23.540 my phone for those listening on audio and instead just turn on FaceTime and they're just walking around 01:06:23.540 --> 01:06:27.980 with FaceTime all the time. How is that? Like they just think it's a FaceTime machine. That's all it is. 01:06:29.000 --> 01:06:30.960 FaceTime audio is confusing to me. 01:06:31.640 --> 01:06:51.880 Yes. Like it is. I, it's like Apple is just flat out breaking the rules of the, of my bell. You know, it's like, no, no, no. You talk on the phone. No, you don't. It's cheaper to actually talk on FaceTime audio. Um, like at some point, AT&T just needs to stop offering voice services. I, you know, Andy, I'm glad you brought this up. I fully agree. 01:06:52.100 --> 01:06:58.420 Kids these days. Um, yeah. Kids these days. Unbelievable. St. Bear. I didn't even know St. Bear was in, in, uh, in here, man. I'm, I'm good. 01:06:58.520 --> 01:07:02.720 Is it St. Bear? I've always thought it was St. Bear. Uh, no, it's, it's, it's St. Bear. 01:07:03.400 --> 01:07:11.160 It's St. Bear, right? I mean, you can't, you can't tell. I've been calling this guy St. Bear. So don't tell me I've been, my inner critic just exploded on me, man. 01:07:11.220 --> 01:07:15.600 Oh my gosh. I am looking so stupid right now. I don't even know what this guy's name is. 01:07:16.940 --> 01:07:21.360 That's all I got. Man, it's good to see you. Glad you come on, Mr. Bear. Big Bear. 01:07:21.760 --> 01:07:26.160 Big Bear. Hey, um, I, I, you know, are we, is this going to stay in the show, Andy? Are we going to cut this out? 01:07:26.220 --> 01:07:27.860 I can do whatever you want, Jeff. I'm your editor. 01:07:28.120 --> 01:07:35.420 Man, I don't know. We'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, I, I, I give the power to you. I'm empowering you to handle these situations. 01:07:35.840 --> 01:07:36.700 So, uh, we're going to play. 01:07:36.700 --> 01:07:40.060 I just need the magic words for, for Megan and for Andy. This is, I just need those. 01:07:40.840 --> 01:07:44.100 I tell you, you want it, you want to do it since you've heard it over 50 times and in editing. 01:07:44.480 --> 01:07:49.160 Yeah. Hello, Annika's Caker. Good to see you. First time chatter, long time caller, uh, first time listener, whatever. 01:07:49.540 --> 01:07:53.320 Uh, flat cap says stay. So I guess we're going to stay. Hey, uh, we're going to land the plane. 01:07:53.620 --> 01:07:59.520 So for Megan Carter, for Jeff Reed, I'm Andy Mage. This is the, this is the closing of the church digital. 01:08:00.040 --> 01:08:01.020 We'll talk with you later. 01:08:02.440 --> 01:08:03.560 I give it a six. 01:08:09.140 --> 01:08:10.460 I tried, man. I tried. 01:08:10.460 --> 01:08:11.220 It was just rough. 01:08:11.220 --> 01:08:13.820 Like you, you were really good at the beginning, but you kind of tailed off. 01:08:13.820 --> 01:08:14.060 I peered out.